


The trouble with dating much (much, much) older women.

by shes_gone



Category: Bill & Ted (Movies)
Genre: Bad Poetry, M/M, Masturbation, Sexual Frustration
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-05-15
Updated: 2008-05-15
Packaged: 2017-11-18 16:34:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,016
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/563107
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shes_gone/pseuds/shes_gone
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>Our girlfriends are most frustratingly chaste.</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	The trouble with dating much (much, much) older women.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to [](http://midnightblue88.livejournal.com/profile)[**midnightblue88**](http://midnightblue88.livejournal.com/) for looking this ridiculous little thing over. ♥. I ... cannot believe that I wrote this. It's completely, completely [](http://alreeces.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://alreeces.livejournal.com/)**alreeces** 's fault. Completely.

Bill sat on the couch and watched his girlfriend and her sister leave the apartment, raising a hand in farewell as Ted shut the door behind them. With a frustrated sigh, Ted walked over to the couch and sat down heavily next to Bill, splaying his long legs awkwardly out in front of him.

“Dude?” Ted asked, gravely.

“Yeah, dude?”

“Have you ever wondered if you’re doing it wrong?”

“Doing what wrong, Ted?”

“You know. It,” he said, gesturing with his head to the closed door. “Them.”

“Whoa, dude!” Bill cried. “Have you two done it? I can’t even get Joanna to touch it! Most excellent work, my friend!”

“No, dude, no way!” Ted replied, his eyes going wide. “Bill, we are fully in the same boat. Our girlfriends are most frustratingly chaste.”

Bill sighed and nodded resignedly. “The princesses are total prudes, dude.”

“Yeah,” Ted said. “Elizabeth has rebuffed every one my best moves, most non-triumphantly. Maybe I’ve lost my touch, dude.”

Bill eyed his friend with consideration. “Ted, my friend, I think we need to think this through a bit more fully. I am not sure that our experience seducing the babes of San Dimas will serve us very well with the princesses. They come from a different time, dude. A different place. Perhaps they require a different approach.”

“Dude,” Ted said sagely, “I think you may be right.”

“So lay it on me, dude. What do you say to her?”

Ted’s eyebrows went up, and Bill put up a hand defensively. “Sparing me all the dirty details! Just give me some of your best lines, and we can work through how best to apply them to the princesses.”

Ted smiled and nodded before furrowing his brow seriously. “OK. OK, um, here goes, dude.” He took a breath and raised his hands in presentation, but said nothing. He licked his lips and Bill could almost see the wheels turning in his head, but he didn’t say anything.

“OK,” Bill offered after another awkward moment, “so the four of us just got back from the pizzeria, and Joanna and I have retired to my room. You and Elizabeth proceed to yours, and ... what do you say?”

“Well, I start with, you know, ‘So, was the pepperoni to your satisfaction this evening?’.”

“Good start, dude, good start. Showing concern for her well-being is always an excellent choice. Makes you seem sensitive.”

“Well, I am a thoroughly modern dude, Bill.”

“Indeed you are, my friend, indeed you are. OK, so then she says, ‘Oh, it was simply delicious, Theodore, thank you.’ Then what?”

“Dude,” Ted said, smiling widely, “your fake English accent is getting better every day.”

“Thanks, dude, but no changing the subject.”

“Right,” Ted replied, “so then I say to her, ‘Would you like to have a seat on my bed?’ and, you know, she sort of giggles and nods and so we, you know, sit. And of course, I’m a gentleman, so I don’t try to get things going right away. I ask her stuff first, like about her interests and whatever. How’s she adjusting to life in California. And, you know, living in the future and everything.”

“Chivalry first, excellent.”

“Thanks, dude. I wait until just the right moment, when the mood has been, you know, set, and then I say, ‘You know, Elizabeth, you are looking most foxy this evening. And your hair smells like beautiful spring flowers. What, might you say, are my chances of getting to second base tonight?’ And then she gets this odd look –”

“Ted, wait,” Bill interrupted. “If I may, I believe I have a minor suggestion for you at this point.”

Ted raised his eyebrows and nodded encouragingly.

“I’m not sure if the baseball metaphor is the most effective way to communicate with a medieval English princess, dude.”

Ted’s eyes were blank for a long moment, and then they lit up. “Bill, my friend! You are completely correct. Duly noted. Dude, I can feel myself getting better at this already!”

The pair exchanged goofy smiles before raising their hands in air-guitar harmony.

“OK,” Ted continued, “nixing the second base comment, I guess I just slide over closer to her, you know, put my hand on her back.”

“Excellent.”

“And then, I say, you know, um.” Ted had a painfully thoughtful look on his face, but nothing seemed to come of it.

“How about lyrics, dude?” Bill offered.

“Dude! Of course!” Ted nodded and frowned and chewed at the inside of his cheek a moment. With a deep breath, he slid forward on the couch, sitting up a bit straighter and holding his arm out dramatically before speaking.  


> “I don’t know a lot about royalty, babe,  
>  But as princesses go, you’re the best.  
>  I want you to know I respect you a lot.  
>  So, babe, can I please touch your chest?”

“Dude!” Bill exclaimed, flashing an impressed smile. “Most excellent work, my friend! If I were a babe, I’d totally let you get frisky after that!” 

Ted colored a bit and nodded appreciatively. “Thanks, dude!”

“OK, dude, so now what?” said Bill. “You’ve totally slid safely into second base. Whatcha got now?”

“Well, this is where it starts to get tricky, dude,” Ted replied. “I mean, I want to encourage her, you know, to participate, but I can’t get too excited.”

“Yeah, dude, these girls scare easy.”

“Exactly, dude. So, at this point I gotta move past the words, and just show her how great it can be. But I go easy, like this.” Ted lifted both his arms to the side, and, as though an invisible woman were sitting next to him, mimed putting one hand to her lower back, and the other to her chest. With complete sincerity of purpose, he began caressing the phantom breasts. Bill blinked, but watched closely.

Ted was very thorough, sliding the hand at her back up to her shoulders and neck, licking his lips in appreciation of all of her imagined anatomy.

Bill watched as Ted leaned his head in closer, expecting him to pucker his lips, though he didn’t actually go so far as to mime the kiss.

Then Bill’s eyes both fell back down, and the room fell into an oddly thick silence as they both watched Ted’s hand continue showering attention on the imaginary breasts.

Bill eventually noticed that Ted’s hand wasn’t the only part of his anatomy that was moving, and his eyes were drawn to the growing bulge in Ted’s shorts. Bill swallowed, but was only mildly surprised when he realized his own shorts were sporting a similar growth.

Meanwhile, Ted’s mimed exploration was becoming more involved. His breathing grew heavy and his eyelids sagged a bit, and soon he was even moving his hips a little, seemingly having forgotten that Bill was there at all.

“How’s that feel, babe?” Ted said to his hand. Bill jumped at the sudden noise, but Ted didn’t notice, and continued to speak. “D’you like that? Good. What? Oh, yeah, babe, you can touch me. Go ahead. Wherever you want.”

Ted’s voice was strangely low and husky, and Bill found it oddly difficult to swallow as his cock twitched.

“Oh, yeah, babe,” Ted said, dropping his head back with a sigh. “Mmm, that feels good.”

Bill watched Ted push his pelvis forward into an invisible hand, and felt his jaw drop a bit when Ted brought his own, actual hand to press against the tent in his shorts. Ted groaned as his eyes fluttered shut, and his groan melted into a whimper of almost-pain.

Bill’s own groin was crying out for attention, but he was afraid to move to touch himself, or do anything that might remind Ted of his presence next to him.

But his cock wouldn't back down, so, carefully and quietly, Bill brought his hand to his groin and pressed the heel of his palm against himself, biting his lip to keep from moaning at the delicious pressure.

He kneaded himself through his shorts for a minute as Ted’s imaginary encounter escalated even further, and Bill felt his eyes grow very wide as Ted’s fingers reached up and gripped the lead of his zipper, lowering it quickly before slipping inside his open fly.

Bill didn’t realize he’d drawn a sharp breath until Ted froze, keeping his eyes straight ahead for a couple of tense blinks before he slid his gaze to the side to look at Bill.

Bill squeezed his eyes shut quickly, avoiding eye contact and, in what he considered a fit of pure genius, said breathily, “Oh, Joanna, yeah. Do that again.”

He sat with his eyes closed and hand motionless against his groin for ages, waiting for Ted to freak out, but nothing happened.

Silence stretched on, and Bill was just about to flee the room when Ted suddenly gave a suspicious groan.

Cracking an eye open, Bill saw that Ted’s hand was still hidden in his shorts, and his arm was making a gut-twistingly familiar motion.

Unable to wait any longer, Bill opened his fly and stuck his hand inside as quickly and as quietly as he could, mimicking Ted’s movements.

Neither of them said anything as the slick sound of skin sliding over skin quietly echoed through the room. At some point both of their cocks emerged from the confines of their clothing, but neither of them acknowledged it.

Bill tried not to think about what they were doing, sitting right next to each other like this.

He tried not to think about Ted’s hard dick, wrapped up in Ted’s sweaty fingers, or the groans he could hear Ted trying to suppress.

He tried not to notice that jacking off next to his best friend was way, way more awesome than jacking off alone.

It really, really was, though, and suddenly his toes were curling in his sneakers and he came into his hand with more speed and less finesse than he had since he was thirteen.

Without quite looking at him, Bill saw Ted’s arm speed up before his entire body went still, tensed, and shuddered.

Bill held his softening cock in his hand, trying not to make any noise as his breathing calmed. He felt grateful for the orgasmic cloud fogging his mind through the silence that followed, giving him an excuse not to think.

Just as the hot wetness on his fingers began to cool, Bill watched Ted lean forward and reach down to the pile of take-out napkins on the floor. He grabbed two and tossed one to Bill without a word.

They wiped down, tucked in and zipped up, and then another heavy silence fell over them.

Bill fidgeted and, rather than think about what had just happened, chose to contemplate the statistical likelihood that a malfunctioning time-traveling phone booth would fall into their living room at that very moment.

Finally, Ted spoke. “So, was that totally heinous or what, dude?”

“Huh?” Bill asked, looking at Ted and feeling oddly insulted. He watched Ted blink nervously and shift his gaze around the room, before remembering the conversation that had set this whole thing off.

“Dude,” he said reassuringly, “no way! Your moves seemed totally normal and non-heinous to me. Elizabeth’ll totally love them, dude, if she ever lets you get that far.”

A relieved smile burst onto Ted’s face. “Awesome, thanks, dude!” He sighed and relaxed. “Dude,” he continued after a moment, sounding concerned, “they will let us, right? Eventually?”

“Yeah, dude, for sure. They’ve adjusted with most admirable ease to almost all other aspects of modern life. We just gotta wait on this one, dude.”

Ted shrugged and nodded with a sigh. “So, dude, do we have enough cash around here to order another pizza? I am feeling startlingly famished.”

“Absolutely, dude! I went to my dad’s today, and check it out,” Bill said, pulling a crumpled twenty dollar bill from his pocket.

Ted grinned goofily, and they raised their arms for a triumphant air riff before arguing over whose turn it was to get up from the couch and call the pizza place.

[](http://www.statcounter.com/)   



End file.
